Expectations

I want so much to be able to express my feelings through dance. I think it is likely unrealistic to expect to be able to move as smoothly as Zoe or Rachel. I am drawn to the big movements. Big round mayas...hips drops like Zoe. But my body is untrained and much older. They have danced since toddler hood and I am starting at the age when most have long since retired.  There is such beauty and grace in Carolina's movements, but my eye struggles to understand the subtle soft movements. Maybe as I watch and learn from different dancers-  I will see the movements more clearly. But now, when I watch her move in DVDs I can't tell if it is Maya or reverse maya..
So, I want my body to make those big smooth slow graceful movements, stretching, posing, spinning and oh, those hands...their hands and arms are mesmerizing.  I want to move like that...and I know that I only have a few years of dancing realistically.  I am trying to be patient, but a part of me feels wistful about the life I did not spend dancing, but it just wasn't the right time for me then. It seems right to me now
It is much more difficult for me now. Yesterday, after practicing hip drops in the morning, I went to work as usual. One of my first patient's was an elderly patient that could not climb on the exam table- so I squated down to examine her feet. When I tried to stand up I could feel the head of my femurs dragging in the acetabulum like knives. I stood up a little wobbly with the realization that someday it will be me that can't get up on the table...but until then I am gonna dance like no one  is looking

How did I get here?

What am I doing here? My shoulders ache, my tummy burns along my 25 year old Cesarean scar, and I still can’t  count out the beat of the most simple music.   I love everything about dancing and in my mind I have always tried to imagine dancing, moving to the beat of the music. For reasons that don’t really matter much, my brain is just not connected to my body in the way it is for dancers. My father spent all of his life trying to teach me to slow dance- to follow, but I was forever on his toes. I took lessons with my wasband and the teacher was so confident he could help me understand- anyone can learn to follow. And time after time, I tried, I listened, I tried to feel, but I cannot understand what that means when you push on my back or try to guide me. Oh, we tried line dancing with the kids on family night. Repetition? Hundreds of times I would try the same dance and every time that we turned a new direction- I was lost. The hustle? No way.  Okay, how easy is it to dance in a circle with my Native American friends? Simple, hear the drum step together step...everyone together. And I look at the pictures of all 50 on the right foot, while I am on my left.
But I WANT to dance. I somehow believe that I NEED to learn this. I found the tv show- Shimmy, after years of being in love with belly dancing. I taped them all and tried each one hundreds of times, rewind, try again, months to learn a 3 step turn. Still too much to expect to do it to the beat of the music, but I don’t fall.
So proud after months of practicing with the tapes, I took a few private lessons so I could learn a dance to do for my family. I was feeling nervous, but thought I could learn something really simple. The teacher didn’t understand how challenged I really am and how hard I had tried and was starting to feel good about myself, when she critisized every movement. Posture is wrong. “Oh, I heard the Shimmy teacher say, pelvis,tucked, kees bent -shoulders back and down etc.”, but I thought that was to stretch between moves...you mean all the time? Uh...