How did I get here?

What am I doing here? My shoulders ache, my tummy burns along my 25 year old Cesarean scar, and I still can’t  count out the beat of the most simple music.   I love everything about dancing and in my mind I have always tried to imagine dancing, moving to the beat of the music. For reasons that don’t really matter much, my brain is just not connected to my body in the way it is for dancers. My father spent all of his life trying to teach me to slow dance- to follow, but I was forever on his toes. I took lessons with my wasband and the teacher was so confident he could help me understand- anyone can learn to follow. And time after time, I tried, I listened, I tried to feel, but I cannot understand what that means when you push on my back or try to guide me. Oh, we tried line dancing with the kids on family night. Repetition? Hundreds of times I would try the same dance and every time that we turned a new direction- I was lost. The hustle? No way.  Okay, how easy is it to dance in a circle with my Native American friends? Simple, hear the drum step together step...everyone together. And I look at the pictures of all 50 on the right foot, while I am on my left.
But I WANT to dance. I somehow believe that I NEED to learn this. I found the tv show- Shimmy, after years of being in love with belly dancing. I taped them all and tried each one hundreds of times, rewind, try again, months to learn a 3 step turn. Still too much to expect to do it to the beat of the music, but I don’t fall.
So proud after months of practicing with the tapes, I took a few private lessons so I could learn a dance to do for my family. I was feeling nervous, but thought I could learn something really simple. The teacher didn’t understand how challenged I really am and how hard I had tried and was starting to feel good about myself, when she critisized every movement. Posture is wrong. “Oh, I heard the Shimmy teacher say, pelvis,tucked, kees bent -shoulders back and down etc.”, but I thought that was to stretch between moves...you mean all the time? Uh...